I spent a quiet morning at Butterfly World today and took some awesome photos. I have had a very busy week this week, I enjoyed spending some time with my friends and it did help to keep my mind off of how sad I have been feeling.
I am not as good as most of you at expressing my self when I am sad, I tend to sugar coat things with happy thoughts and words and look for fun things to do. The truth is for several months I have been very concerned with some of the things going on with Mandy in this final hour before she leaves home.
Do we ever feel that they are ready? She has been away for two weeks now, nowhere in particular just away. Even though she has finished her cosmetology classes and has started a job (very part time for now) I still do not think that she is ready to fly out into the world all alone.
I know that she can't afford to rent an apartment yet, even with a room mate it would be impossible on what she is making right now. I don't want to see her set herself up for failure, I am her Mom and I want everything to be perfect.
Maybe some of the fear I have for her is really just fear of what comes next for me when my whole world does not consist of helping Mandy learn to balance spreading her wings and keeping her feet planted firmly on the ground.
I don't like being alone, I tried it for 18 months once and I'm just not good at it.I was married for 17 years with a house full of kids and for the last 5 years (since my divorce) I have centered my life around Mandy, I'm sad and I'm afraid. OK I said it, I'm afraid of being alone.
*** Coy ***