Saturday, October 23, 2004

A quiet walk with the butterflies


     I spent a quiet morning at Butterfly World today and took some awesome photos. I have had a very busy week this week, I enjoyed spending some time with my friends and it did help to keep my mind off of how sad I have been feeling.


     I am not as good as most of you at expressing my self when I am sad, I tend to sugar coat things with happy thoughts and words and look for fun things to do. The truth is for several months I have been very concerned with some of the things going on with Mandy in this final hour before she leaves home.


     Do we ever feel that they are ready? She has been away for two weeks now, nowhere in particular just away. Even though she has finished her cosmetology classes and has started a job (very part time for now) I still do not think that she is ready to fly out into the world all alone.

     I know that she can't afford to rent an apartment yet, even with a room mate it would be impossible on what she is making right now. I don't want to see her set herself up for failure, I am her Mom and I want everything to be perfect.




     Maybe some of the fear I have for her is really just fear of what comes next for me when my whole world does not consist of helping Mandy learn to balance spreading her wings and keeping her feet planted firmly on the ground.

     I don't like being alone, I tried it for 18 months once and I'm just not good at it.I was married for 17 years with a house full of kids and for the last 5 years (since my divorce) I have centered my life around Mandy, I'm sad and I'm afraid. OK I said it, I'm afraid of being alone.

                                *** Coy ***



stormie4851 said...

BEAUTIFUL PICS.....................STORMIE

melissajbird said...

beautiful pics.  I have always wanted a tat of a butterfly,

dbaumgartner said...

A Mom's job is never done!  She's lucky to have you.

I love the pictures they are soooo pretty.

ann7inflorida said...

(((Coy))) If for any reason you need to talk, I'm here for you. I haven't even started thinking about when Sydney is ready to break loose....ugh. The butterfly photos are beautiful & very symbolic.

sepintx said...

Just lovely :-) I like the little postmen. Always fun with those guys. Favorite is last photo on the left. Neat as I've seen that butterfly before and it's a great shot.

Often when I visit the b-fly habitat here I am just abuzz with details about how I'll get this shot or where I'll position myself. All my b-fly mistakes are running through my mind so I don't repeat and so on. After I actually get in with the butterflies and start wandering and looking, it's all calm. Soothing. Something about butterflies.

indigosunmoon said...

Honey, I know how you feel.  Cody left home
for six months, and I was completely lost without
him here.  They have to do this though...I've
figured that out.  All we can do is be there for them  
when they need us...ya know?
My heart goes out to you darlin...
Love ya,

symphonycomposer said...

The words "Walk On...Walk On" will remnd you of what you need to know. Time for a puppie. Maybe a little Golden Retriever. IM me any time you like. We can discuss many things; like Rock & Roll or Jazz or even Symphony.


judithheartsong said...

I am thinking of you Dear Coy. hugs, judi

jeanno43 said...

Your photos are truly stunning. You should enter them in the AOL competition.
I can understand you being frightened of being alone but you have to let her spread her wings. It is the hardest thing a mother ever has to do, letting go of her child or children. They have been the centre of your whole life.  But you will find you will come through, honestly you will.  Thinking of you.

cneinhorn said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs Coy}}}}}}}}}}}]]]]  Thinking of you.  YOur photos are beautiful!  Wonderful shots you captured!  Stunning!

ckays1967 said...

I think you did a wonderful job of expressing yourself here....and the butterflies are great.  I happen to think they represent the true nature of rebirth which it seems, is what awaits you on this new journey in your life.  

The black one with the blue is the color of hope.

deabvt said...

Coy, this is a beautiful, so heartfelt entry!

bookncoffee said...

Aww, your entry has brought tears to my eyes. I so relate b/c I dread the day PreTeen takes flight.  I know that I don't like to live alone either.  I have Hubby, but I relate b/c there was a time when I was alone and I remember how it felt.  Don't be afraid.  Ask for God's guidance.  And ask him to put a hedge of protection around Mandy.  I love the butterflies and your pics.  Hang in there!!!!  Have an awesome weekend.  I'm trying to catch up on journals after a long work week.

freeepeace said...

Powerful entry Coy.  Good for you.  Getting to a place of knowing and admitting what's going on is half the struggle.  I understand the fear.  It's to be expected.  It's natural.  Embrace it.  You're a powerful woman - you are never alone.  You may feel lonely and/or afraid many times over, but you are never alone.  Walk with yourself. :)  [oh, and we're here with ya too!]  xo